ROME, ITALY —
Millions of married
couples across the globe awoke Friday morning to find themselves once again
single, as the International Institution of Marriage, headquartered in Rome,
Italy, closed its doors in response to the U.S. Supreme Court's 5-4 decision to
uphold marriage equality throughout the states. The SCOTUS ruling, which
effectively legalized same-sex marriage throughout all 50 states of the world's
largest economy, came as a final blow to the beleaguered institution, which for
the past five millennia had committed itself to preserving the sanctity of
normal heterosexual marriage. Speaking on the topic, former CMO (Chief
Matrimonial Officer) Augustine White said the following:
"It is with deepest regret that I must formally announce the closure of the millennia-old Institution of Marriage. This storied organization, which has evolved its business model along with mankind through the centuries, can unfortunately no longer cope with the demands of modern society, and as such must announce its dissolution and subsequent demolition, effective immediately."
The closure
effectively nullifies all marriages throughout history and across all six
settled continents. In offering an explanation for said abolition, White had
the following to say:
"The
founders of Marriage built a self-destruct clause into the framing of its
original Constitution. The framers wanted this noble Institution to go out with
dignity, should society ever become so corrupt that people wanted to start
misusing it for vile purposes such as marrying their dogs or siblings. Today,
we've hit that tipping point."
Popular sentiment
from formerly married couples throughout the
world points towards widespread support for the decision, with 73.54% of
global respondents citing either 'agreement' or 'strong agreement' with the Institution's
hammer-down protocol. "Honestly, the only thing keeping me and my three
wives together was the knowledge that it was a joy that gay people would never
know," offered Azizi Omondi, of Tsavo, Kenya, "if Marriage is
something that is available a bunch of pole-smoking fudge packers or
clam-jousting rug munchers, then I want nothing to do with it." Zhang
Jingfei of Wuhai, China, echoed his sentiments, stating, "Marriage isn't
supposed to be about bringing people together. It's supposed to be about
setting people—that is, the good kind—apart."
Others have noted
that this is not the first institution to fall prey to the tides of social
pressure. Said Gertrude Dixon of Starkville, Mississippi: "Honestly, this
is just like the 60's, when they destroyed the Institution of Drinking
Fountains by letting African-Americans drink at the same ones as us. Or like
when I was a little child, and my mother destroyed the Institution of My
Birthday Party by making me invite that strange child with Down Syndrome."
Still, hope lingers
for the millions of once-married heterosexuals looking for another institution
that safeguards their distinct superiority to LGBT individuals. To that end,
experts have noted refugees will readily be welcomed with open arms into the institutions
of Islam, Christianity, and Sports.
