Institution of Marriage Closes Its Doors

ROME, ITALY —

Millions of married couples across the globe awoke Friday morning to find themselves once again single, as the International Institution of Marriage, headquartered in Rome, Italy, closed its doors in response to the U.S. Supreme Court's 5-4 decision to uphold marriage equality throughout the states. The SCOTUS ruling, which effectively legalized same-sex marriage throughout all 50 states of the world's largest economy, came as a final blow to the beleaguered institution, which for the past five millennia had committed itself to preserving the sanctity of normal heterosexual marriage. Speaking on the topic, former CMO (Chief Matrimonial Officer) Augustine White said the following:

"It is with deepest regret that I must formally announce the closure of the millennia-old Institution of Marriage. This storied organization, which has evolved its business model along with mankind through the centuries, can unfortunately  no longer cope with the demands of modern society, and as such must announce its dissolution and subsequent demolition, effective immediately."

The closure effectively nullifies all marriages throughout history and across all six settled continents. In offering an explanation for said abolition, White had the following to say:

"The founders of Marriage built a self-destruct clause into the framing of its original Constitution. The framers wanted this noble Institution to go out with dignity, should society ever become so corrupt that people wanted to start misusing it for vile purposes such as marrying their dogs or siblings. Today, we've hit that tipping point."

Popular sentiment from formerly married couples throughout the  world points towards widespread support for the decision, with 73.54% of global respondents citing either 'agreement' or 'strong agreement' with the Institution's hammer-down protocol. "Honestly, the only thing keeping me and my three wives together was the knowledge that it was a joy that gay people would never know," offered Azizi Omondi, of Tsavo, Kenya, "if Marriage is something that is available a bunch of pole-smoking fudge packers or clam-jousting rug munchers, then I want nothing to do with it." Zhang Jingfei of Wuhai, China, echoed his sentiments, stating, "Marriage isn't supposed to be about bringing people together. It's supposed to be about setting people—that is, the good kind—apart."

Others have noted that this is not the first institution to fall prey to the tides of social pressure. Said Gertrude Dixon of Starkville, Mississippi: "Honestly, this is just like the 60's, when they destroyed the Institution of Drinking Fountains by letting African-Americans drink at the same ones as us. Or like when I was a little child, and my mother destroyed the Institution of My Birthday Party by making me invite that strange child with Down Syndrome."

Still, hope lingers for the millions of once-married heterosexuals looking for another institution that safeguards their distinct superiority to LGBT individuals. To that end, experts have noted refugees will readily be welcomed with open arms into the institutions of Islam, Christianity, and Sports.